full fathom five

One of my favourite things at the moment is the HBO series Sopranos. I’m probably not alone in saying one of my least favourite things is dealing with IT recruitment consultants. Over the past few days, dealings with a recruiter has allowed me to reflect on the strange similarities between the two.

One thing that struck me about the Sopranos series is that everyone’s existences are predicated on lies. Every conversation is one where nothing is delivered as it’s meant, even to those most close to the speaker: Tony and his crew lie to each other about their observance of honour and family; Tony’s wife, Carmella, lies to herself about the goodness of her husband; Tony and Carmella choose euphamisms to describe the ‘business’ to their children and how they might ‘brush up against organised crime’.

Dealing with recruitment consultants can be a lot like that (minus the organised crime). Whenever I deal with thim I find my slightly cynical inner voice whispering to me what I really think they’re saying. Here’s a kind of transcript from my most recent encounter with one of them.

Mr Headhunter: It’s Mr Headhunter from Bum-fluff IT. What’s your availability and status?
Mr Developer: Currently available, looking for permanent roles.

Mr Headhunter: Would you consider a short term contract (4-6 weeks)?
Mr Developer: Sure, depending on the opportunity.

Mr Headhunter: [Clueless guff about the role and the company followed by…] For some reason when this role came up I thought of your CV.
Translation: This client bills itself as a “New Media” company; your first role was for a company with “New Media” in its title (if not in its projects); the CV database returned must have returned your CV first from a list of thousands through some tenuous Bayesian relevance.

Mr Headhunter: So you do have extensive New Media experience then?
Mr Developer: Well, I’d be lying if I said the majority of my experience was in that area but I did work on one highly interactive content management-driven international portal for an Australian NGO so I’m very comfortable in a New Media environment.
Translation: Do people actually still use the term New Media?
Mr Headhunter: You sound like you have the right skills for the position, I’d like to send your resume accross but I’ll need you to tailor it for my client’s requirements. I’ll send over an email with some points I think you should address.
Translation: Do you know how to spell ‘spin’?

So, into my inbox arrived this little gem of an email, complete with sentiment as sincere as one of those feel-good bank commercials:

Hi Michael,

> I reckon the XYZ Company role could be the direction you should be taking 
with your current situation. 
> 
> Please send me an updated CV highlighting all your new media experience...
> 
> Please make sure the following is evident in your CV:
> 
> extensive new media experience
> java , j2ee, web development, html, EJB, weblogic, struts, unix system admin, 
php,
...
... 

Obviously when Mr Headhunter cut and pasted this from his email to somebody else he either didn’t have the patience to remove the ’>’ quote markers or he used some email client like Outlook where quote markers aren’t obvious but are translated on my end by Yahoo mail. It pleases me to no end that he’s only thinking of my best interests.

Notice too how he asks me to tailor my CV so that “extensive new media experience” is evident even though I indicated, in the most self-promoting of ways, that New Media wasn’t where most of my experience lay? Obviously a man who eats spin for breakfast.

Mr Headhunter: So what did you think of… [yadda yadda]
Mr Developer: Well I very much liked… [yadda yadda]
Mr Headhunter: That’s great. So what were some of the questions he asked you, specifics would be good?
Translation: So that I can sell you down the river and maximise the probability of placing someone, I need to know all the interview questions he asked so that I can supply them to the next candidate I put forward.
Mr Developer: Oh, just general questions on what I’ve worked on in the past.
Translation: You think I’m that stupid?

Mr Headhunter: The client really liked you and thought you’d be perfect for the job and would like to take you on. He indicated, however, that he is having some internal budgetary problems and will have to sort those out first, I’ll call you on Friday afternoon to update you.
Translation: I’ll call you if there’s still a contract, if not I will ignore you and your phone calls unless you hound me.
Mr Developer: Sure, I look forward to it.
Translation: I have your number on auto-dial.

Needless to say there were budgetary problems, the contract fell through and I had to hound the recruiter to find all this out.

Mr Headhunter: Yeah, sorry I didn’t get back to you.
Translation: Who are you again? Oh, you, you didn’t make me any money did you?
Mr Headhunter: Yeah, that contract did fall through but don’t worry, since you interviewed well I’ve put this down in my records and this will be the start of a great working relationship.
Translation: Until the next cold call, you, whatever your name is.
Mr Developer: Yes, Please keep me in mind for any other opportunities that may come up.
Translation: Didn’t you say the same things to me last year?

It would be unfair of me to claim that all recruitment consultants are as bad as this buffoon. I’ve been fortunate enough to come accross a number of excellent recruiters such as Paul at Cautela-IT in Colchester and Carol McCormack from CCS Index back in Australia. I’m sure there are many others out there, I just hope I happen to stumble across them when looking for my next role.